Just A Small-Town Girl

From the time we're little girls, women long for the day when they find "the one"; that one man that they KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Movies play it up to be this fairytale moment when birds sing and the earth stands still.

I had that moment the other day and, well, I gotta tell you.....it's pretty damn similar.....didn't hear any birds, just the bustle of the lecture hall I was in, but the earth stood still.....

My relationship history has been....well.....it hasn't exactly been Cinderella-esque, by any means. I thought I'd been in real relationships before but, this is different.

Jeremy is amazing; absolutely amazing. He's the most amazing man I've ever met in my life, and I'm proud to be the girlfriend of a US Marine. I'm the luckiest girl in the entire world....I've got this fantastic man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Gosh...I get butterflies whenever I think about it!!!!

We've been together (off and on, mind you...more on than off though....) since October 21, 2006. In September of 2007, we had a falling out.....biggest mistake of my life......and I feared I'd never see him again. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him or the plans we had made, and it broke my heart. He contacted me when he got back from boot camp....and it was the best day of my life. I'm never letting him go again. I love him more than anything in the world and he's the best thing to ever happen to me.

Yes indeed.....this Cinderella has finally found her Prince Charming =]

 Lately, I've been feeling just really shitty about life; like I'm just completely worthless to society.

Physically, yes, I've always been self conscious....but I'm just at an all time low now. I'm borderline anorexic....I keep track of EVERYTHING I put into my body and if I eat something and I think it was too much, I go into total meltdown mode. Every time I look in the mirror, I see someone that needs this nipped or this tucked or her fat ass and stomach sucked out. I just feel terrible about myself and I honestly don't know why. People compliment me, yes, but it's hard for me to believe they're sincere.

I've been used.....so many times......so any time I'm complimented I just think "Oh...wow...probably just another douchebag that thinks I'm an easy whore...." or "They probably want to hang with me just so they can laugh at me behind my back"

I also am trying to break my habits of getting so excited about things......yes, you read that right....I'm trying to stop getting excited about things. Every single bloody time I get excited about something (i.e; a trip, a visit from someone, etc), I always end up disappointed. I guess I'm just trying to get used to disappointments, because lately it seems that's all been coming my way.

Ok, so I know this sounds like a pity party note....but I just need to blog my feelings...makes me feel better.

I just want for one day to go do something and not think that people are staring at my lovehandles or my gross stomach. I want to go out to a restaurant with my family and not have to worry about "oh god...how many calories is this? Maybe I should just order a small appetizer or something....". I want to be able to look forward to something and have it actually happen. I just wanna feel normal and have fun......and perhaps more than anything, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Right now, I just feel like I'm this blip on the radar screen that's not worth anything to anyone, and I gotta tell you, it's one of the most miserable feelings a human being can feel.

Regardless of how I feel, I keep on going every day just to try to make something of myself, hoping SOME DAY I'll be worth something. I just don't know anymore......a couple weeks ago I was feeling like I belonged.....and now I just feel like the only thing I'm good at is being a blip....I'm just a blip....nothing more.....

Just a blip

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts....dedlydee....there they are a'standing in a row...bumbumbum....big ones small ones some the size of your head.....

 

Ok, so that has NO relavency what-so-ever to my title....but I don't care. It's almost 11:30 at night, I took a little too much Nyquil or however you spell it.....so I don't have to make sense.

I don't understand it. Just when I think that my life is beginning to look up, all hell breaks loose. And, due to the fact that many of my friends are miserable, I cannot really talk to them about my problems because then I feel like a completely selfish bitch. *Sigh* I just need a hug......leave me some comments y'all.....